Last night was awful. I had a nice time at the Little Mermaid, but came home and just could not wind down. I have so much rage for what happened to us and our girls and so much rage for what is happening to Brittnee. Around one James came to bed and I was still awake just sitting there. I just started balling. Why did this happen to us? Why did I have to lose them? Why does Brittnee have to go through this? People who say there is always a reason upset me so much. What possible reason is there for two babies to be born 18 weeks too soon to two people who are ready, willing, and able to love and take care of them, when morons and unmarried, underaged children have babies every day who end up just being drains on society. What possible reason is there for a 19 year old girl to have ovarian cancer. There is not. There is not inter workings, life is just messed up. Things happen for no reason and good people get hurt for no reason.
There's my anger rant. My grief over the girls has grown stronger now. They should be here, we should be knee deep in diapers and screaming healthy baby girls, but we are not. Instead I am struggling with my fear that I won't get pregnant again. That when I do it won't be a happy pregnancy like before. I handled everything so well last time and everything went to crap.
Time heals all wounds. I just have this immense need to be pregnant again and feel life inside me, what a wondrous feeling. It saddens me that men will never get that feeling. I want to fall asleep talking to my baby and wake up heavy with the knowledge I am growing a person.
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