Halloween

I love Halloween, it's one of my favorite holidays.  In recent years I have gone all out with food and such.  I was so excited to have two babies to dress up this year.  It hits you and different moments, when you have lost a child.  Mine hit today when I went to the Disney store to see about pre ordering a movie.  I found these adorable baby body suits that were princess dresses.  It made me cry.  I know I will have a little one to celebrate the holidays with but it still hurts that my baby girls will never have a chance to grow up.

On top of our loss, my sister in law is dealing with stage 4 ovarian cancer at age 19.  My huge family just lost one of its larger than life members at only 45 years old.  Everyone just asks why me?  Why do we have to deal with all of that?

I don't know the answers to those question, but I know we will work through it.

Fall Bucket List

I love fall!  It's one of my favorite seasons.  I am also excited to see this summer end and with fall brings the end of the year.

I saw this idea on pinterest and decided to change it to fit James and I.

Can't wait to get started.  For those of you in Sacramento, the Old Historic Cemetery givers Lantern Tours in October, plus you can go on a haunted tour of Old Sacramento!

Just a Note

The last time my personal and professional lives were on track and both doing well was January of 2009.  That's when the layoffs started.  The first one was a horrible blow.  I was crushed, but I was brought back in July.  The second one was final.  I new I would not be going back to my old school.  By the time the next school year started we had moved in with my parents.  We had already pushed back having kids a couple years, then I got a job back but I had a really rough year.  Then I had no job, but we decided to get pregnant.

The last time my personal life was on track was March of this year.  October of 2011 to my birthday in March of 2012, were some of the most happiest moments I have had in my life.  Only some one who has carried a baby could understand.  I was lucky to have two little lives growing inside me.

Now my professional life is back on track.  I have a job I am so excited about, but I feel like my personal life is in shambles.  I have my husband which I am so thankful for but our traumatic loss of our daughters is now not the only thing we are dealing with.  We are now dealing with his sisters stage four ovarian cancer.  It's all becoming too much for me.  I want to tune out of my head for a while and I am hoping school provides the necessary distraction.

Due Date

Today was my due date with the twins.  I know they would have not been born this late, but today is a reminder of what could have been.

James and I are looking forward to having another baby.  Only time will tell if that happens or not.

After

Reading the book the After Wife and saw this conversation.  Hannah "do you realize for the rest of my life, I am going to have to tell people about his death." Jay "Remember this, when you feel sorry for yourself, that you are the bearer of this terrible news.  Remember you had the ultimate privilege.  True Love."

I feel this way about the girls.  All my life I will have to explain their death.  "Do you have kids?" "How many kids do you have?"  These questions haunt me.  The stickers on the back of people's cars showing their family.  I can't do that.  In the future we may have three kids but we will always have our two girls we lost.  All the cute ideas to announce a pregnancy do not work for your second pregnancy when the last one went horribly wrong.

With all of that, I know I am lucky to have had them.  For them to have lived within me, for me to have had all that pain to bring them into the world and all the pain losing them so shortly after.

How?

Facebook can be a blessing and a curse.  After the girls passed I cut out people in our lives that made not attempt to reach out to us, after our loss.  We had so much overwhelming love and support that it was only a few.  I had one person ask me about the girls two months after their death and now another four months after.  I feel kinda bad!  But I mean these people were on Facebook weekly if not daily so who did they never see a thing about it.  I posted about it and posted pictures.  I mean I don't know.  Then when they ask they feel really bad finding out what happened.

I am also concerned about what to do with new people I meet and that question Do you have kids?  Yes I have two beautiful baby daughters who were spitting images of their mamma and daddy, but they were born too soon and passed away.

What about my students?  I am thinking about just telling them right off the bat instead of dealing with that awkward moment latter on.

Last Night

Last night was awful.  I had a nice time at the Little Mermaid, but came home and just could not wind down.  I have so much rage for what happened to us and our girls and so much rage for what is happening to Brittnee.  Around one James came to bed and I was still awake just sitting there.  I just started balling.  Why did this happen to us?  Why did I have to lose them?  Why does Brittnee have to go through this?  People who say there is always a reason upset me so much.  What possible reason is there for two babies to be born 18 weeks too soon to two people who are ready, willing, and able to love and take care of them, when morons and unmarried, underaged children have babies every day who end up just being drains on society.  What possible reason is there for a 19 year old girl to have ovarian cancer.  There is not.  There is not inter workings, life is just messed up.  Things happen for no reason and good people get hurt for no reason.

There's my anger rant.  My grief over the girls has grown stronger now.  They should be here, we should be knee deep in diapers and screaming healthy baby girls, but we are not.  Instead I am struggling with my fear that I won't get pregnant again.  That when I do it won't be a happy pregnancy like before.  I handled everything so well last time and everything went to crap.

Time heals all wounds.  I just have this immense need to be pregnant again and feel life inside me, what a wondrous feeling.  It saddens me that men will never get that feeling.  I want to fall asleep talking to my baby and wake up heavy with the knowledge I am growing a person.