Halloween

I love Halloween, it's one of my favorite holidays.  In recent years I have gone all out with food and such.  I was so excited to have two babies to dress up this year.  It hits you and different moments, when you have lost a child.  Mine hit today when I went to the Disney store to see about pre ordering a movie.  I found these adorable baby body suits that were princess dresses.  It made me cry.  I know I will have a little one to celebrate the holidays with but it still hurts that my baby girls will never have a chance to grow up.

On top of our loss, my sister in law is dealing with stage 4 ovarian cancer at age 19.  My huge family just lost one of its larger than life members at only 45 years old.  Everyone just asks why me?  Why do we have to deal with all of that?

I don't know the answers to those question, but I know we will work through it.

Fall Bucket List

I love fall!  It's one of my favorite seasons.  I am also excited to see this summer end and with fall brings the end of the year.

I saw this idea on pinterest and decided to change it to fit James and I.

Can't wait to get started.  For those of you in Sacramento, the Old Historic Cemetery givers Lantern Tours in October, plus you can go on a haunted tour of Old Sacramento!

Just a Note

The last time my personal and professional lives were on track and both doing well was January of 2009.  That's when the layoffs started.  The first one was a horrible blow.  I was crushed, but I was brought back in July.  The second one was final.  I new I would not be going back to my old school.  By the time the next school year started we had moved in with my parents.  We had already pushed back having kids a couple years, then I got a job back but I had a really rough year.  Then I had no job, but we decided to get pregnant.

The last time my personal life was on track was March of this year.  October of 2011 to my birthday in March of 2012, were some of the most happiest moments I have had in my life.  Only some one who has carried a baby could understand.  I was lucky to have two little lives growing inside me.

Now my professional life is back on track.  I have a job I am so excited about, but I feel like my personal life is in shambles.  I have my husband which I am so thankful for but our traumatic loss of our daughters is now not the only thing we are dealing with.  We are now dealing with his sisters stage four ovarian cancer.  It's all becoming too much for me.  I want to tune out of my head for a while and I am hoping school provides the necessary distraction.

Due Date

Today was my due date with the twins.  I know they would have not been born this late, but today is a reminder of what could have been.

James and I are looking forward to having another baby.  Only time will tell if that happens or not.

After

Reading the book the After Wife and saw this conversation.  Hannah "do you realize for the rest of my life, I am going to have to tell people about his death." Jay "Remember this, when you feel sorry for yourself, that you are the bearer of this terrible news.  Remember you had the ultimate privilege.  True Love."

I feel this way about the girls.  All my life I will have to explain their death.  "Do you have kids?" "How many kids do you have?"  These questions haunt me.  The stickers on the back of people's cars showing their family.  I can't do that.  In the future we may have three kids but we will always have our two girls we lost.  All the cute ideas to announce a pregnancy do not work for your second pregnancy when the last one went horribly wrong.

With all of that, I know I am lucky to have had them.  For them to have lived within me, for me to have had all that pain to bring them into the world and all the pain losing them so shortly after.

How?

Facebook can be a blessing and a curse.  After the girls passed I cut out people in our lives that made not attempt to reach out to us, after our loss.  We had so much overwhelming love and support that it was only a few.  I had one person ask me about the girls two months after their death and now another four months after.  I feel kinda bad!  But I mean these people were on Facebook weekly if not daily so who did they never see a thing about it.  I posted about it and posted pictures.  I mean I don't know.  Then when they ask they feel really bad finding out what happened.

I am also concerned about what to do with new people I meet and that question Do you have kids?  Yes I have two beautiful baby daughters who were spitting images of their mamma and daddy, but they were born too soon and passed away.

What about my students?  I am thinking about just telling them right off the bat instead of dealing with that awkward moment latter on.

Last Night

Last night was awful.  I had a nice time at the Little Mermaid, but came home and just could not wind down.  I have so much rage for what happened to us and our girls and so much rage for what is happening to Brittnee.  Around one James came to bed and I was still awake just sitting there.  I just started balling.  Why did this happen to us?  Why did I have to lose them?  Why does Brittnee have to go through this?  People who say there is always a reason upset me so much.  What possible reason is there for two babies to be born 18 weeks too soon to two people who are ready, willing, and able to love and take care of them, when morons and unmarried, underaged children have babies every day who end up just being drains on society.  What possible reason is there for a 19 year old girl to have ovarian cancer.  There is not.  There is not inter workings, life is just messed up.  Things happen for no reason and good people get hurt for no reason.

There's my anger rant.  My grief over the girls has grown stronger now.  They should be here, we should be knee deep in diapers and screaming healthy baby girls, but we are not.  Instead I am struggling with my fear that I won't get pregnant again.  That when I do it won't be a happy pregnancy like before.  I handled everything so well last time and everything went to crap.

Time heals all wounds.  I just have this immense need to be pregnant again and feel life inside me, what a wondrous feeling.  It saddens me that men will never get that feeling.  I want to fall asleep talking to my baby and wake up heavy with the knowledge I am growing a person.

Anger

I am so angry right now! Today has not been a good day. I guess I should voice my thoughts to people first so I do not get upset with others!!

I am so happy for having a job but everything else in our life is still crap. Now all of this with James' sister on top of everything else. It's too much. I guess it's time to go back the counselor.

Teal Ribbons

As if enough had not gone wrong this year for my family, we were given another blow today.  About three weeks ago my younger sister in law was having abdominal pain.  They did a scan and found a large mass in her abdomen.  It ended up being a seven inch, three pound tumor that was the size of a football.  It was removed as was her ovary and fallopian tube.  After running blood tests and doing a full body scan, four more tumors were found through out her body.  She now has been diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer and she is only nineteen years old.  She begins chemo therapy tomorrow.

It is such a shock.  I don't even know who to feel.  I am utterly devastated and freaked out behind words.  What kind of world is this?  Why does this crap happen to us?

for our girls

Dear Abigail and Emily,

Although your due date was July 23, Dr. King said she would not let you two go past 38 weeks.  38 weeks is today, July 9.  Daddy thinks you would have shown up on 4th of July, while I think you would have shown up around June 21.  Instead you showed up 18 weeks too soon.

You two left a gaping hole in our lives, but you also left such immense love.  You were loved the first time we saw the double lines.  You were loved even more the ultrasound when Dr. King said she may have seen two of you.  And even more during the sonogram when it was confirmed, there were two of you.  With each week you grew, we heard your hearts racing, we kept positive when they told us Abby had such low fluid.  I felt you move and talked to you two to fall asleep every night.  You were so loved.  We never imagined we would lose you both.  It hit us like a ton of bricks.  You were both so tiny, you did not scream, you breathed and let go.  We got to hold you and give you kisses and tell you how loved you were.

You were loved not only by your mamma and daddy, but by your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, you great grandma, your cousins, your great aunts and great uncles, all of our friends and many, many others.  Your short lives touched so many people.

I will carry you with me until my dying day.  Everything I do is for you two and your memory.  You will live on in us, in your future siblings, and especially in the love your daddy and I have for each other because you two were born from that love.

We love you more than anything and think of you always.

Your Mama and Daddy

Pinterest- Citrus Garland

I found this on pinterest. The women who did it got the idea from a citrus coaster set she found on a blog. I went on etsy and found tons of these coasters but I did not have the money to get them. I also do not sew. After a suggestion from a friend, I decided to get the felt and glue the felt with fabric glue.

It worked out well. The felt was $.29 a sheet at Michael's one of each color will make 3 each. Plus two sheets of white. I used white ribbon. I did not double up the back like the previous bloggers above did.

The garland does not hang without twisting as the felt is too heavy, it needs to be fastened tight, flat, and close to straight across.

Preschool Sensory Activity Teeth Health

I help my friend once a week at her preschool. This week is dental health week. I created this after seeing it online.

I cut the bottoms of four water bottles and taped them on a piece of wood. I made a past with water and baking soda and the kids used a brush to brush the teeth. I taught them a song, "up like the sun, down like the rain, back and forth like a cho cho train.

In hindsight I wish I would have gas some rope or twin so they could floss the teeth and also some bigger brushed.

Pinterest- 4th of July Yarn Wreath

After seeing this on pinterest I thought it would be a good idea. I used a straw wreath, but in hind sight I wish I would have used a foam wreath. The straw was difficult even with the plastic on.

Pinterest- Flip Flop Summer Wreath

I saw this on pinterest and that it was awesome! I bought 6 pairs of girls flip flops from kohls and hot glued the heel to toe in a circle. To hang it I hot glued a thick purple ribbon in a loop to the back!

Beer- Bombs Bursting in Air Ale

James and I found this recipe in a book and it was called a firecracker red.  It should not be confused with a Red Ale, as the red in the title only refers to the coloring!  The secret ingredient Red Hots!

One Pound of Red Hots

After Two weeks more Red Hots!

One More Week to go in the Bottles!

Pintrest- Anniversary Dance

This was the highlight of my wedding! I loved dancing with my new hubby surrounded by all of our family and friends! We danced to Remember When by Alan Jackson.

Pinterest- Wedding Song

Awesome idea! Took the lyrics to our wedding song and put them in a word document, added text box the size of photo, printed on card stock, glued on picture and put in 8x10 frame!

Pinterest- Our Story!

I am becoming obsessed.  I have been finding great ideas and now am implementing them.  Why pin them if your not going to do them!

Project One- Where we met, where we got engaged, where we got married

Where we met!

Where we got engaged!

Where we were married!

I will add where we live when we buy our first home!

I purchased a four pack of 4x4 frames frames from Michaels, printed maps off goggle maps, used some green card stock and printed out the events with the place and date, and their you go, the story of your love in maps!  Could add where you honeymooned!

So Tired

I'm so wiped. I do nothing yet I could fall asleep right now. I have two weeks to finish my thesis and get it to a formatter but I have no motivation.

My problem is I wait to the last minute to do everything. But I always get things done I just stress out about it first.

Still waiting on a job offer and now I have to log that I've contacted three places for employment each week.

So I have to call to be told what I already know, there are no jobs out there for teacher. Hopefully that changes soon.

Saturdays Suck!

Each Saturday brings another week since we lost the girls. Every Saturday I think it's been blank weeks, then take stock of my feelings, sometimes have a good cry.

Every Monday I think I should be blank weeks along. Tomorrow I should be 34 weeks along. The nursery would be already for two little girls. We'd be expecting them anytime. We wouldn't be planning trips or going away places, we'd be at home waiting for them to arrive and for our lives to be forever changed.

Instead we are moving forward. Going places, doing things, planning to have our next little one. Waiting on our happy ending, our rainbow baby.

No word on the job front. I just keep pinning lessons, classroom ideas, etc. I hope I find out sooner rather than later as I want to stop worrying. I want to be happy and it's hard to be happy without financial security.

Waiting, waiting!

I once again am waiting.  I have all of these ideas streaming into my head and onto pinterest boards for my classroom.  I just need that phone call telling me I have a job.  I do not want to get too excited for fear that they will find some way to screw me over again.  I just want to teach.  I want to do what I have wanted to do my whole life.  It was ok when I was growing babies and not teaching and I'd be ok now if I was pregnant or if the girls were born, but sitting here day in day out waiting sucks!  I have not had a good summer since the summer after my first year teaching.  Each summer is filled with anxiety over if I will have a job, when will they call me back, what will I be teaching, etc.  I hate it, it's unfair.

I want my own place to live.  I try to start a project then realize half of what I need is in storage or I don't have the money to finish it.

I know I am in the same position as many others.  When will things get better for us?  When will this depression be over?

From my phone

I can now blog using the blogger app on my iPhone! Yeah!

Our Loss

The past three months have been difficult for us.  We lost our daughters on my 28th birthday.  We found support in so many family and friends in the days, weeks, months following their passing.  So much love we were overwhelmed by it.  We celebrate James 30th, our 12th anniversary, and my first mother's day.  All with out our girls.  They hurt but there was this feeling that they should not be here.

Now as I pass what would have been my 34 weeks I start feeling like they should be here, we should be all prepared for them, but her I sit with empty arms.

On the positive side, I am hoping to be pregnant this summer.  I feel guilt for moving on, joy at the possibility of holding another baby in my arms, and fear that something will go wrong again.

The six months I carried the girls inside me were the happiest I have ever been.  Even without a job and financial security, they feeling of never being alone was wonderful.  I want that again and I will have it, whatever has to be done.